Discussing myself is something that takes much thought in who I really am instead of who I perceive everyone else may want me to be. I am happy with who I am and what I have learned about myself in life. When I was young it wasn't proper to think of oneself in the terms of being happy or proud of my accomplishments or talents. Other kids would consider that type of belief in oneself as being conceited or stuck on self. It's a shame that our society allows this to continue generation after generation to the point where most people become dicontented with themselves and whom they really are. I fell into the trap of playing the roles that everyone else in my life persuaded me to be. My father wanted me to always strive to be the best at everything I did and yet the other kids in school were threatened by this over-zealous attitude of mine to always be the best. One can sure lose friends fast seeking to be better than everyone else, but in reality I never wanted to be the best, I have always wanted to be just me.
I was and have always been deep down inside the type of person that wanted to see those less fortunate or with less abilities to have a chance to experience the feeling of being better or having more. Through the years I masked much of my desires or inner feelings to please everyone else; yet when I came to a situation where I felt someone was pushing me rebellion overtook me and I would not give or would give when I should have taken. I felt for so many years that I had to dance for those that I wanted to please or for those that I needed to please. I would say one thing and mean another or mean one thing and say another, and the feeling of being defeated or belittled was awful. There were times in my youth when I would boil inside and feel this overwhelming urge to fight for what I felt should or shouldn't be done. I look back on my life and now understand the conflict that I lived with all the time because I was not being true to whom I really was or what I really felt deep inside. This unsure sense of trying to please everypne and trying to figure out who to please first created an inconsistant behavior out of me. My heart would fight against my mind and my mind against my body in so many instances that some days I wasn't sure what I wanted or needed and to make things tougher I had to fight against my own father for becoming whom I wanted to be and not what he felt I should be. This conflict was a major part of the indecisiveness that I lived with most of my life.
I realized when I was in my mid-thirties that I had been through two marriages and a handful of jobs. I needed to find the real me and it was difficult, but I decided to write a book. I was seeing a peer-counselor to help sort out any issues I may have encountered that were being blocked. I thought that I was a co-dependent, but learned that this term was just a label that was used to give an identity to people that were dependent on something or someone. I have always been much of a loner and I am very happy being alone to sort out my problems or my anger, yet so many people in my life could not allow me this alone time. My father always needed the attention that took so much energy and time to satisfy his need to feel important or respected and I realized that I had fallen into that sort of neediness as well. When we seek the nature of who we are we tend to look at ourselves through the eyes of those we want to impress or gain approval from. I finally had discovered why I was not able to work through anything in my life when I saw that I would never get anywhere waiting for an approval, dancing to impress, or giving to others for their benefit or need.
I alienated myself for a few years from family, friends, and people I knew well. I began to associate with people I didn't know well, I kept acquaintances that I only dealt with for business, short-time pleasure, and necessity of daily survival. I would not give in to the demands of people in my life that were out to get something from me or through me. I kept everything short and sweet, but everynight when I would sit alone at my computer I would write about different circumstances from my former years and I would evaluate the outcomes or the responses that channeled from those situations. I learned that I too had become a control freak always needing the energy or time of someone or something else to satisfy my need for acceptance. I set out everyday to change this behavior and to learn how to exist without pulling energy or time from anyone else as well as not giving any energy or time to anyone else. I found my life to be much more simple and easier to manage.
Living without anyone in my life was not completely the answer as we all know that no one is able to survive without interaction with others, so as soon as I felt that I could handle sitting back and not seeking the center of attention or calling attention to myself from others, I began to let old friends back into my life. One by one it took some adjustments to relearn how to react or not react to situations, but I found that my company became a little easier to deal with, whoever they were. The final test was learning to be around my father for any length of time. This took the most time in years to figure out and still has it's challenges for me on occassion, but it has gotten easier and we do not end up in those areas of fighting for attention or respect anymore. I have learned to be honest and to not give people what I think they want to hear, and I have learned to be tactful when it comes to being honest and straight-forward about my opinions.
Many people in life have a strong desire to control the opinions of others, and my family is the cream of the crop for this behavior; however here it is over ten years later of dealing with this issue in my life and I have begun to see that this is something that most people struggle with and many of them don't realize that they do it. We all want to believe inside of our beings that we are one step better, or one notch higher than everyone else, but there is no one better or less than anyone else in this world. I learned that we all have to accept the views and ideas of others as a part of who they are and not judge it against our own perceptions or thoughts. There is no right answer to a belief as that is something that is bred into all of us from our families, and communities. The worse thing anyone can do, and I have done this in my life, is to think so highly of themselves and so lowly of another that nothing is right except their own perception of viewing an idea or action.
I could go on and on with examples of this type of insecure behavior because I have lived it, and I see it in so many people; however the bottom-line is I learned to love people despite their beliefs or views, and I learned to accept that it does not degrade my view just because somebody else doesn't perceive it. Discovering that attitudes and prejudices often come from what others believe, or hold as right or wrong, has opened my eyes to new ideas and thought processes that have placed me in a more accepting and humbling characteristic. Focusing on making my inside love for others align with my outer actions towards others was strange at first, but it only took a couple times of treating others the way I would love to be treated before it took it's natural course of feeling good to be kind. My life began to not feel so chaotic and now I feel more alive in my skin than I think I have ever felt in my life.
I love to talk and conversing with someone all night over a pot of coffee or a few drinks is my most favorite thing to do. I can hold a conversation with just about anyone, and I love to hear the stories of other people's lives and how they have worked through their trials and dilemnas in life. Learning from one another is an esstential part in life to find other ideas and strategies that help us along our paths of making good and bad choices. I have many fond memories of conversations with so many friends through the years and if it wasn't for my true friends that have helped me to see where my thoughts were leading me, I may not have been able to find me. My friends have been a voice to me, reminding me to find those philosophies that will help me through my journey of life to become a better person. Integrity is very important, and challenging myself to be honest and respectful to others is the first part of making a better me. It's not always easy to be completely honest, but in the end it's worth it's weight in being called a friend.
I love to socialize, dance, and be apart of a party of fun-loving people; however I love my alone time too. Being able to write and express my passions without distractions is very important to me. When I am working I prefer to be left to my duties so that I can complete what needs to be finished, knowing that when I am finished with a project, it was started with compassion and care for it's purpose; worked through with passion and skill for it's quality; and completed with certainty and confidence for its presentation. Anyone reading my philosophies can probabaly tell that I am a very passionate person about all that I do. This passion is what compels me to be all that I can be and do all that I can do without feeling like I have to be the best at anything but being me.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
My God is an Awesome God!
I have been a Christian for many years of my life. I believe that I was called to love God from the womb and I know that I decided to love him as a very young child. I publicly accepted Jesus Christ into my heart at a Baptist Church in 1975 located in Rowland Heights California. Although I had already discovered who He was and had formally asked Jesus into my heart in 1969 or 1970, going forward to the alter of God made it so much more official for my testimony.
I remember going to my friend, Denitha Davis' house and discovered that her mother, Jean Clark spoke about Jesus the same way I remembered my Granny speaking about Jesus. They were neighbors of ours and my parents had met them through my visiting them often. One day my parents were called out of town and I had to stay back for a test in school that Friday, so Jean Clark offered for me to stay with her. Her daughter went to Los Angeles for the weekend to visit family and so I was there all alone for a whole weekend. There were so many Bibles in that house that I filled my days and nights reading the Word of God. Jean took me to church with her and I loved the Sunday School class taught by Mr. Lockewood. He was truly used of God to help me understand some of the Bible stories I had been reading with my Granny and personally when I was alone. I was in the fifth grade and I remember well being so happy to find a group of people that talked about Jesus. Mr. Lockewood told the class that he was going to swallow a goldfish the next week in Sunday school, if there we had more people in class the next week, so of course I wanted to be there to see him fulfill his mission. I invited as many friends as I could find that week to go to church.
My friend Carla Barefield and Roberta Bukacek were given permission by their mother's to join me and Denitha as we rode the big ole blue church buss to church the next Sunday morning. It was an amazing day - We went to Sunday School Class and learned about Jesus and His dying on the cross and at the end of that class, dear Mr. Lockewood swallowed that poor gold fish as he had promised. We were escorted into the Main Church and sand the amazing sonfs that my Granny and I would always sing together during our visits. As we sat listening to the message that pounded out of Paster Counts, I was mesmerized. At the moment when He told us about receiveing Christ as our personal Saviour and pounded the pulpit with such passion yelling through that church in a pleading tone to accept Him publicly that it might save us from a burning, fiery hell - my heart felt an incredible sensation that was overwhelmingly moved. I went forward to the alter and I told the woman at the front that I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart and make Him my Savior. She kindly said prayer that I repeated and then I went back to my seat knowing that I had made it final before God and Man that I belonged to Jesus Christ. I felt happy and I have known from that moment on that I was Saved by the Grace of God and had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour for all eternity.
My friends and I took the bus home and we laughed and sang songs that made my heart over-joyed with passion for knowing that I was a true child of God. We took that old school bus for many months that year and I learned so much about the wonderful stories of Jesus and the books of the Bible. I am so grateful that God in His perfect plan used so many people to lead me towards knowing Him. My father was not happy with me talking about Jesus and the people that tried to visit him from the church were treated very rude and received a door slammed in their faces several times at my home. It became such a problem for these people coming to our house that my father was at the point of stopping me from going to that church anymore, when one Sunday the bus was struck by another car on the way home from church. My parents had to come and pick me up and they were angry that I was on that bus and in the accident. I was no longer allowed to attend church anymore. I felt a sense of loss without having anyone around me to talk about Jesus with and this is when I decided to read the little Bible that was given to me at that church everyday.
A year later, I attended another Baptist Church that was closer to home and where my mother could drop us off for a few hours everyday to attend Vacation Bible School during the summer. My sisters attended this church with me, yet they were in another classroom together and I was in my own class with kids my own age, we were in the sixth grade. I received a nice Bible from this church for bringing in the most visitors and I read that Bible for many years. It was difficult growing up and becoming a young woman through junior high and high school without much teaching except that I read a Bible I did not completely understand. The confusion of not having any formal training led me through a life of knowing the world and all it's ways; however through it all I regularly enjoyed reading the Word of God in my room. I talked to Jesus and I formed a personal time with Him on a regular basis even though I was introduced to life as one big party full of socializing and fun.
When I was fifteen years old my father was in an auto accident and he found himself seeking for God. He went to the Catholic church and made us go too. I was a bit rebellious about it, as I did not like the first communion classes and the way the Nuns treated us so harshly. Well my parents became Catholics and we were at every Mass. They renewed their vows through the catholic church and had a formal wedding and a great big party, that was fun; however it wasn't the full effect of what I had been learning all these years in the Word of God. One day my father decided to quit smoking and then the next thing he did changed everything. He started reading the Bible. It didn't take long before he was born again and redeemed by the blood of Jesus, looking and seeking for real answers. He quit the Catholic church and we went to several different Christian Churches, we even almost became Mormon.
Jean Clark, my friend's mother invited him to the Baptist Church I was attending when I was young. Here it was six years later I was sitting in the very church that I had made my public profession of Christ in. It was a little different and there was a different Pastor. Tom Lucatorta was not the Pastor of Valley Baptist Church in Rowland Heights, California. Through months of going to the services my father became on fire for the Lord and jumped right into Soul-winning, and other small misitry positions in a church that was not as big as it was six years earlier. In 1980 when I was sixteen years old my entire family was baptized in that church as a family. I had never been baptized after accepting Christ so we all did it together in August, 1980. Back to the basics of learning about the Bible, but this time was different for me - I had already been reading the Bible for over eight years on a continual weekly and most times daily basis. The teachings were incredible. It was as if I had already learned all of these stories in my heart and they were just being confirmed. I realized after a year of receiving scripture studies in this church that I had already placed the Word of God on the tables of my heart all these years and now I was being discipled through what the Spirit of God had already given me. Thank God for the instructions and teachings I learned in this church.
I moved to another church when I was 18 years old, after a rebellious walk from the church my parents attended. I found myself in a Church of the Nazerene when my good friend Theresa Tittle invited me to attend her mother's church. I fell in love! I loved the music, the people, the teachings, and most of all the Word of God that was once again so beautiful to me coming from the Pastor. Pastor Cliff Schultz, an amazing minister of God's work. preached from the pulpit and brought tears to my eyes. I was the prodical daughter returned into the arms of my loving Father and Saviour Jesus Christ. I attended this church for many years in and out of my rebellious life. It was the place my heart called my home church for years into my early forties. I had attended Calvary Chapel in Diamond Bar from time to time, and would visit other churches here and there for a while, but this church was my heart.
One other church I went to for a couple years was Victor Valley Church in Victorville, CA. Pastor Woods was an amazing Pastor of the Word of God and he will always be remembered through the years that I lived in the high desert and learned much from him of God's priniciples. Pastor Counts, the first Pastor I ever called my Pastor became the associate Pastor of that church for the last few months I attended. I loved him again as I remembered the early days of learning about Jesus and being a part of a church. I moved and returned to the Nazerene Church of La Puente and felt the comfort of coming home to Pastor Cliff and the body of Christians in my home church. Off and on through so many trials in my personal life, I attended this church.
I was married in my parents church, Puente Hills Baptist Church on March 31, 1984 to Eddie Holmes. During my marriage to Eddie we rarely went to church, and the end of our marriage was the realization that we were not a good match. He was a wonderful man, yet we had differing ideas for life. I needed to be more grounded with God and he took up extra curricular activities that did not agree with God's plans for my life. I was rebellious and a bit unruly after a few years of marriage to him and so by a dream that I had of Jesus telling me to do what I needed to do, I left and divorced Eddie in 1988. We had no children and we ended the marriage amicably. He had been unfaithful and although I have forgiven him, it was best for us to be free from being unequally yoked. I moved onto a life of being single and consistantly studying the Word of God on my own until I was 28 years old and I married Victor Gwinn also known by his nickname, Ty.
Ty and I were married at The Grand in Glendora, CA on February 27, 1993. Pastor Cliff Schultz officiated the ceremony and we moved to Hesperia, CA Where we attended Victor Valley Baptist Church. Our oldest daughter, Victoria was born eleven months later on January 27, 1994 and we dedicated her to God on March 27, 1994. Ty loved the Lord, but he loved to drink too. This became a conflict in our lives and I again became rebellious and didn't want to attend church anymore. I felt awful going to a church where we were almost pretending to be so committed and yet we were living too much in the world to keep living a life that wasn't always in Christ. I battled with all of this and became very distraught. I even felt guilty many times for not being the example I thought I was suppose to be. I ran from God and when my second daughter, Jennifer was born on November 7, 1996, I took her to my parent's church, Puente Hills Baptist Church to have her dedicated to God in March, 1997. We found out that Jenny had developed Craniosyntosis that month and I was devastated.
I pleaded with God when the doctors at Jennifer's three month check-up said she needed to be airlifted to Loma Linda Medical Hospital in Redlands CA to not let this happen. Craniosystoses or craniosynestosis is a term for when a baby's head is not formed right in the womb. The membranes adhere to quickly and her skull grew together too fast in a rigid fashion, so it was urgent to get the skull cracked open and reset it. which meant she would be have to have a shunt put into her head. I was devastated and became very angry with God. I yelled at Him and I told Him things I will never ever repeat as long as I live, but because of His awesome love He forgave me, and on October 10, 1997, Jennifer was healed. She never needed the surgery or any other medical treatment for this condition again, and today - PRAISE GOD- she is a healthy beautiful 14 year old girl. Thank you Jesus!
We welcomed a young girl named Monica into our life in January 1997 and she has been a part of our family to date. Ty and I split up after so many trials and battles with rebellion and we suffered through a terrible divorce and custody battle that it took the chastening in love from God to get me through. I thank God for His faithfulness through all my trials and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned through them all. I made it through many battles after that and met my third husband, Eric Kabel, not long after my divorce with Ty was final. Ty and I separated in June, 1999 and tried to work through our differences through October 1999 and it was enough. There was no God in our lives, although I kept reading the Word through it all, if it was only the Proverb chapter of the day, I read it. I learned that the book of Proverbs in the Bible has 31 verses and so I have been repeating Proverbs on each date of every month with the Proverb and on the months with 30 days I read both chapters 30 and 31. I learned this back in 1980 and I still read the chapter of the day for wisdom. There are times that I miss, but God keeps me pretty balanced to this reading daily. My divorce to Ty became final January 20, 2004 after he had been living with another woman for three years and putting my daughters and me through this adulterous mess, I asked the judge to please grant the divorce. Hallelujuah I was again free after so many years of bondage.
I married Eric on July 10, 2005 and this has been a difficult marriage, but God has shown me that He is the Master of my life and I have given this marriage to Him. Eric has been the only man in my life that does not abuse drugs, alcohol, or me. He has not committed adultery as many others, including boyfriends in my life have been unfaithful, and Eric loves God with all his heart. God is in complete control here and I will wait on the Lord as He has waited for me all these years to build His will within our hearts. I love Eric and God knows that I am thankful for all that he is and all that he has learned with me in waiting on the Lord.
My trials have been many and my rebellion has ignited all of them, but I thank God that I am forgiven and loved so much by Almighty God who provides us with chance after chance to make it right within our hearts and choose to align our ways with His Word. I am finally getting it and all along I should have known that by humbling myself before the hand of the Lord and allowing Him to be my Master and Saviour, I may not have had to endure such trials. I didn't do it right, but because I am held by Jesus Christ, I am able to come before an Awesome God who reigns in Heaven above, with Wisdom, Power and Love - My God is an AWESOME GOD!
I remember going to my friend, Denitha Davis' house and discovered that her mother, Jean Clark spoke about Jesus the same way I remembered my Granny speaking about Jesus. They were neighbors of ours and my parents had met them through my visiting them often. One day my parents were called out of town and I had to stay back for a test in school that Friday, so Jean Clark offered for me to stay with her. Her daughter went to Los Angeles for the weekend to visit family and so I was there all alone for a whole weekend. There were so many Bibles in that house that I filled my days and nights reading the Word of God. Jean took me to church with her and I loved the Sunday School class taught by Mr. Lockewood. He was truly used of God to help me understand some of the Bible stories I had been reading with my Granny and personally when I was alone. I was in the fifth grade and I remember well being so happy to find a group of people that talked about Jesus. Mr. Lockewood told the class that he was going to swallow a goldfish the next week in Sunday school, if there we had more people in class the next week, so of course I wanted to be there to see him fulfill his mission. I invited as many friends as I could find that week to go to church.
My friend Carla Barefield and Roberta Bukacek were given permission by their mother's to join me and Denitha as we rode the big ole blue church buss to church the next Sunday morning. It was an amazing day - We went to Sunday School Class and learned about Jesus and His dying on the cross and at the end of that class, dear Mr. Lockewood swallowed that poor gold fish as he had promised. We were escorted into the Main Church and sand the amazing sonfs that my Granny and I would always sing together during our visits. As we sat listening to the message that pounded out of Paster Counts, I was mesmerized. At the moment when He told us about receiveing Christ as our personal Saviour and pounded the pulpit with such passion yelling through that church in a pleading tone to accept Him publicly that it might save us from a burning, fiery hell - my heart felt an incredible sensation that was overwhelmingly moved. I went forward to the alter and I told the woman at the front that I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart and make Him my Savior. She kindly said prayer that I repeated and then I went back to my seat knowing that I had made it final before God and Man that I belonged to Jesus Christ. I felt happy and I have known from that moment on that I was Saved by the Grace of God and had accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour for all eternity.
My friends and I took the bus home and we laughed and sang songs that made my heart over-joyed with passion for knowing that I was a true child of God. We took that old school bus for many months that year and I learned so much about the wonderful stories of Jesus and the books of the Bible. I am so grateful that God in His perfect plan used so many people to lead me towards knowing Him. My father was not happy with me talking about Jesus and the people that tried to visit him from the church were treated very rude and received a door slammed in their faces several times at my home. It became such a problem for these people coming to our house that my father was at the point of stopping me from going to that church anymore, when one Sunday the bus was struck by another car on the way home from church. My parents had to come and pick me up and they were angry that I was on that bus and in the accident. I was no longer allowed to attend church anymore. I felt a sense of loss without having anyone around me to talk about Jesus with and this is when I decided to read the little Bible that was given to me at that church everyday.
A year later, I attended another Baptist Church that was closer to home and where my mother could drop us off for a few hours everyday to attend Vacation Bible School during the summer. My sisters attended this church with me, yet they were in another classroom together and I was in my own class with kids my own age, we were in the sixth grade. I received a nice Bible from this church for bringing in the most visitors and I read that Bible for many years. It was difficult growing up and becoming a young woman through junior high and high school without much teaching except that I read a Bible I did not completely understand. The confusion of not having any formal training led me through a life of knowing the world and all it's ways; however through it all I regularly enjoyed reading the Word of God in my room. I talked to Jesus and I formed a personal time with Him on a regular basis even though I was introduced to life as one big party full of socializing and fun.
When I was fifteen years old my father was in an auto accident and he found himself seeking for God. He went to the Catholic church and made us go too. I was a bit rebellious about it, as I did not like the first communion classes and the way the Nuns treated us so harshly. Well my parents became Catholics and we were at every Mass. They renewed their vows through the catholic church and had a formal wedding and a great big party, that was fun; however it wasn't the full effect of what I had been learning all these years in the Word of God. One day my father decided to quit smoking and then the next thing he did changed everything. He started reading the Bible. It didn't take long before he was born again and redeemed by the blood of Jesus, looking and seeking for real answers. He quit the Catholic church and we went to several different Christian Churches, we even almost became Mormon.
Jean Clark, my friend's mother invited him to the Baptist Church I was attending when I was young. Here it was six years later I was sitting in the very church that I had made my public profession of Christ in. It was a little different and there was a different Pastor. Tom Lucatorta was not the Pastor of Valley Baptist Church in Rowland Heights, California. Through months of going to the services my father became on fire for the Lord and jumped right into Soul-winning, and other small misitry positions in a church that was not as big as it was six years earlier. In 1980 when I was sixteen years old my entire family was baptized in that church as a family. I had never been baptized after accepting Christ so we all did it together in August, 1980. Back to the basics of learning about the Bible, but this time was different for me - I had already been reading the Bible for over eight years on a continual weekly and most times daily basis. The teachings were incredible. It was as if I had already learned all of these stories in my heart and they were just being confirmed. I realized after a year of receiving scripture studies in this church that I had already placed the Word of God on the tables of my heart all these years and now I was being discipled through what the Spirit of God had already given me. Thank God for the instructions and teachings I learned in this church.
I moved to another church when I was 18 years old, after a rebellious walk from the church my parents attended. I found myself in a Church of the Nazerene when my good friend Theresa Tittle invited me to attend her mother's church. I fell in love! I loved the music, the people, the teachings, and most of all the Word of God that was once again so beautiful to me coming from the Pastor. Pastor Cliff Schultz, an amazing minister of God's work. preached from the pulpit and brought tears to my eyes. I was the prodical daughter returned into the arms of my loving Father and Saviour Jesus Christ. I attended this church for many years in and out of my rebellious life. It was the place my heart called my home church for years into my early forties. I had attended Calvary Chapel in Diamond Bar from time to time, and would visit other churches here and there for a while, but this church was my heart.
One other church I went to for a couple years was Victor Valley Church in Victorville, CA. Pastor Woods was an amazing Pastor of the Word of God and he will always be remembered through the years that I lived in the high desert and learned much from him of God's priniciples. Pastor Counts, the first Pastor I ever called my Pastor became the associate Pastor of that church for the last few months I attended. I loved him again as I remembered the early days of learning about Jesus and being a part of a church. I moved and returned to the Nazerene Church of La Puente and felt the comfort of coming home to Pastor Cliff and the body of Christians in my home church. Off and on through so many trials in my personal life, I attended this church.
I was married in my parents church, Puente Hills Baptist Church on March 31, 1984 to Eddie Holmes. During my marriage to Eddie we rarely went to church, and the end of our marriage was the realization that we were not a good match. He was a wonderful man, yet we had differing ideas for life. I needed to be more grounded with God and he took up extra curricular activities that did not agree with God's plans for my life. I was rebellious and a bit unruly after a few years of marriage to him and so by a dream that I had of Jesus telling me to do what I needed to do, I left and divorced Eddie in 1988. We had no children and we ended the marriage amicably. He had been unfaithful and although I have forgiven him, it was best for us to be free from being unequally yoked. I moved onto a life of being single and consistantly studying the Word of God on my own until I was 28 years old and I married Victor Gwinn also known by his nickname, Ty.
Ty and I were married at The Grand in Glendora, CA on February 27, 1993. Pastor Cliff Schultz officiated the ceremony and we moved to Hesperia, CA Where we attended Victor Valley Baptist Church. Our oldest daughter, Victoria was born eleven months later on January 27, 1994 and we dedicated her to God on March 27, 1994. Ty loved the Lord, but he loved to drink too. This became a conflict in our lives and I again became rebellious and didn't want to attend church anymore. I felt awful going to a church where we were almost pretending to be so committed and yet we were living too much in the world to keep living a life that wasn't always in Christ. I battled with all of this and became very distraught. I even felt guilty many times for not being the example I thought I was suppose to be. I ran from God and when my second daughter, Jennifer was born on November 7, 1996, I took her to my parent's church, Puente Hills Baptist Church to have her dedicated to God in March, 1997. We found out that Jenny had developed Craniosyntosis that month and I was devastated.
I pleaded with God when the doctors at Jennifer's three month check-up said she needed to be airlifted to Loma Linda Medical Hospital in Redlands CA to not let this happen. Craniosystoses or craniosynestosis is a term for when a baby's head is not formed right in the womb. The membranes adhere to quickly and her skull grew together too fast in a rigid fashion, so it was urgent to get the skull cracked open and reset it. which meant she would be have to have a shunt put into her head. I was devastated and became very angry with God. I yelled at Him and I told Him things I will never ever repeat as long as I live, but because of His awesome love He forgave me, and on October 10, 1997, Jennifer was healed. She never needed the surgery or any other medical treatment for this condition again, and today - PRAISE GOD- she is a healthy beautiful 14 year old girl. Thank you Jesus!
We welcomed a young girl named Monica into our life in January 1997 and she has been a part of our family to date. Ty and I split up after so many trials and battles with rebellion and we suffered through a terrible divorce and custody battle that it took the chastening in love from God to get me through. I thank God for His faithfulness through all my trials and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned through them all. I made it through many battles after that and met my third husband, Eric Kabel, not long after my divorce with Ty was final. Ty and I separated in June, 1999 and tried to work through our differences through October 1999 and it was enough. There was no God in our lives, although I kept reading the Word through it all, if it was only the Proverb chapter of the day, I read it. I learned that the book of Proverbs in the Bible has 31 verses and so I have been repeating Proverbs on each date of every month with the Proverb and on the months with 30 days I read both chapters 30 and 31. I learned this back in 1980 and I still read the chapter of the day for wisdom. There are times that I miss, but God keeps me pretty balanced to this reading daily. My divorce to Ty became final January 20, 2004 after he had been living with another woman for three years and putting my daughters and me through this adulterous mess, I asked the judge to please grant the divorce. Hallelujuah I was again free after so many years of bondage.
I married Eric on July 10, 2005 and this has been a difficult marriage, but God has shown me that He is the Master of my life and I have given this marriage to Him. Eric has been the only man in my life that does not abuse drugs, alcohol, or me. He has not committed adultery as many others, including boyfriends in my life have been unfaithful, and Eric loves God with all his heart. God is in complete control here and I will wait on the Lord as He has waited for me all these years to build His will within our hearts. I love Eric and God knows that I am thankful for all that he is and all that he has learned with me in waiting on the Lord.
My trials have been many and my rebellion has ignited all of them, but I thank God that I am forgiven and loved so much by Almighty God who provides us with chance after chance to make it right within our hearts and choose to align our ways with His Word. I am finally getting it and all along I should have known that by humbling myself before the hand of the Lord and allowing Him to be my Master and Saviour, I may not have had to endure such trials. I didn't do it right, but because I am held by Jesus Christ, I am able to come before an Awesome God who reigns in Heaven above, with Wisdom, Power and Love - My God is an AWESOME GOD!
Monday, January 10, 2011
My Younger Years and discovering God
My youger years were great! I was born in North Carolina on a Marine base where my father was stationed. We later moved to California where we established our residency for all of my growing years. My sister, Karen was born 19 months after me in Globe, Arizona, and another sister, Surena, came another two years later in Los Angeles California. My Parents were from Globe, Arizona so we frequented their home town many times when I was growing up. Arizona became a second home for me as I would spend several weeks and sometimes months in the summer with my paternal grandmother, whom I called Granny.
My Granny is the highlight of my youth. She was so much fun to be around and we got a long so well that I felt more at home with her, at times, than I did at home with my family. She taught me about Jesus when I very young and through the years we would spend most of our visits worshipping God in song, in prayer and in His Word. Granny would read her Bible to me all the time as I got old enough to read, we would read it together. What a joy it was to have such a great relationship with my Granny, because she taught me the importance of having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I owe all of my thanks to her for teaching me the value of Faith and Belief in Almighty God and His Son Jesus Christ.
Growing up with an agnostic father and a Catholic mother was difficult at times because I rarely saw any of God's love in our home. Yes, there was physical love and there was a respect in my mother for God, but there was never any real teaching from the Word of God. My inner joy was ignited everytime I heard anyone talking about God. My maternal grandfather, Grandpa Fred took me to the Catholic Church one Christmas Eve, and I remember standing there next to him with all these people crowded in the church. I was about five years old, and I couldn't see anything but the nice clothing worn by all the tall men and women around me. I heard a voice as if it came through the ceiling and I was in awe. I remember thinking, Could this be? Is it possible? As I looked around and saw the pew behind me I attempted to climb up to where I could see, and my Grandpa so gently stopped me and said, "no, no, you can't stand up there." The voice bellowed through this high ceiling church and people were praying and chanting words, "Peace be with you too." As this voice continued to speak words about Jesus Christ, I reached up toward my Grandpa to speak in his ear and he bent down to me so that I could ask, "Grandpa, is that God?" He said, "no, that's the Priest." I saw that chuckle in my Grandpa that day, and today I can see why he found humor in that. After that experience I was determined to find God. I had to get to my Granny, because I knew that she would tell me where to find God.
The next day seemed as if it took forever to dawn. We went to Granny's house and I just wanted my mom and dad to take my sisters and leave. I wanted so badly to sit and talk with Granny about how to find God. My father didn't like it when my Granny would talk about Jesus to him. I remembered that he would roll his eyes and sometimes even tell her to stop preaching at him, so I knew better than to try and have a good conversation with her about where to find God in front of my dad. Before we left to return to California I asked Granny in another room, "where do I find God?" She said, "you can find him in your heart." I said, "I know he's in my heart, but I want him to be out here where I can hear him talk to me too," She smiled and said, "talk to Jesus he will show himself to you." I remember feeling like I didn't get the answer I wanted, and I can't quite explain the disappointment I felt because I couldn't get face to face with God, and now she wanted me to talk to Jesus who was in my heart. I didn't understand it as I understand it now, but I learned at that time in my life that the only way to find God was to talk to Jesus in my heart. This is when, I believe, I discovered how to talk to Jesus with Faith in my heart and that He could really hear me.
All my life I have had the utmost respect for my Granny, the very one that gave me a reason for believing in myself, in living life with faith, and in searching for God with all my heart. I am blessed to have had such a wonderful Woman of Faith teach me about Jesus. Her example set my heart towards thge faith and belief I have, and the time I spent with her those first ten years of my life built the foundation of my becoming a Woman of Faith and seeking the Kingdom of God through Jesus Christ. My heart feels joy when I think back to the songs we would sing: Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art, The Church in the Dell, and Come Home. Those were her favorites and we would have a worship time in song everytime I visited her. We would watch Christian television, and could never miss a program with Oral Roberts. We would set up our comfortable chairs and prepare a bowl of Ice Cream just before the show came on and we watch Oral Roberts preach. I will never forget my Granny in her wooden rocking chair, pulled up close to the black and white television so that she could touch her hand to the screen and receive a piece of the annointing that Oral Roberts received from the Lord. I would jump up and place my hand on the screen too just to be like her. I sure do miss those days with her, but I will forever have the things she taught me deep within my heart, and I know that if it weren't for her I would have not known the good Lord Jesus as I know Him today.
So I sign off here with happy thoughts of my Granny and tears of joy for the love I have for Jesus. Praise God for sending His Son Jesus Christ to die for my sins and for using Ocie Marie White, my Granny, to lead me towards a spiritual life of Faith and Hope in worshing Almighty God. One day I will meet Him Face to Face and I know that she will be there to witness it.
My Granny is the highlight of my youth. She was so much fun to be around and we got a long so well that I felt more at home with her, at times, than I did at home with my family. She taught me about Jesus when I very young and through the years we would spend most of our visits worshipping God in song, in prayer and in His Word. Granny would read her Bible to me all the time as I got old enough to read, we would read it together. What a joy it was to have such a great relationship with my Granny, because she taught me the importance of having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I owe all of my thanks to her for teaching me the value of Faith and Belief in Almighty God and His Son Jesus Christ.
Growing up with an agnostic father and a Catholic mother was difficult at times because I rarely saw any of God's love in our home. Yes, there was physical love and there was a respect in my mother for God, but there was never any real teaching from the Word of God. My inner joy was ignited everytime I heard anyone talking about God. My maternal grandfather, Grandpa Fred took me to the Catholic Church one Christmas Eve, and I remember standing there next to him with all these people crowded in the church. I was about five years old, and I couldn't see anything but the nice clothing worn by all the tall men and women around me. I heard a voice as if it came through the ceiling and I was in awe. I remember thinking, Could this be? Is it possible? As I looked around and saw the pew behind me I attempted to climb up to where I could see, and my Grandpa so gently stopped me and said, "no, no, you can't stand up there." The voice bellowed through this high ceiling church and people were praying and chanting words, "Peace be with you too." As this voice continued to speak words about Jesus Christ, I reached up toward my Grandpa to speak in his ear and he bent down to me so that I could ask, "Grandpa, is that God?" He said, "no, that's the Priest." I saw that chuckle in my Grandpa that day, and today I can see why he found humor in that. After that experience I was determined to find God. I had to get to my Granny, because I knew that she would tell me where to find God.
The next day seemed as if it took forever to dawn. We went to Granny's house and I just wanted my mom and dad to take my sisters and leave. I wanted so badly to sit and talk with Granny about how to find God. My father didn't like it when my Granny would talk about Jesus to him. I remembered that he would roll his eyes and sometimes even tell her to stop preaching at him, so I knew better than to try and have a good conversation with her about where to find God in front of my dad. Before we left to return to California I asked Granny in another room, "where do I find God?" She said, "you can find him in your heart." I said, "I know he's in my heart, but I want him to be out here where I can hear him talk to me too," She smiled and said, "talk to Jesus he will show himself to you." I remember feeling like I didn't get the answer I wanted, and I can't quite explain the disappointment I felt because I couldn't get face to face with God, and now she wanted me to talk to Jesus who was in my heart. I didn't understand it as I understand it now, but I learned at that time in my life that the only way to find God was to talk to Jesus in my heart. This is when, I believe, I discovered how to talk to Jesus with Faith in my heart and that He could really hear me.
All my life I have had the utmost respect for my Granny, the very one that gave me a reason for believing in myself, in living life with faith, and in searching for God with all my heart. I am blessed to have had such a wonderful Woman of Faith teach me about Jesus. Her example set my heart towards thge faith and belief I have, and the time I spent with her those first ten years of my life built the foundation of my becoming a Woman of Faith and seeking the Kingdom of God through Jesus Christ. My heart feels joy when I think back to the songs we would sing: Amazing Grace, How Great Thou Art, The Church in the Dell, and Come Home. Those were her favorites and we would have a worship time in song everytime I visited her. We would watch Christian television, and could never miss a program with Oral Roberts. We would set up our comfortable chairs and prepare a bowl of Ice Cream just before the show came on and we watch Oral Roberts preach. I will never forget my Granny in her wooden rocking chair, pulled up close to the black and white television so that she could touch her hand to the screen and receive a piece of the annointing that Oral Roberts received from the Lord. I would jump up and place my hand on the screen too just to be like her. I sure do miss those days with her, but I will forever have the things she taught me deep within my heart, and I know that if it weren't for her I would have not known the good Lord Jesus as I know Him today.
So I sign off here with happy thoughts of my Granny and tears of joy for the love I have for Jesus. Praise God for sending His Son Jesus Christ to die for my sins and for using Ocie Marie White, my Granny, to lead me towards a spiritual life of Faith and Hope in worshing Almighty God. One day I will meet Him Face to Face and I know that she will be there to witness it.
Friday, January 7, 2011
My Life Blog Site Introduction
Hello All:
Today I decided to set up this blog page as a part of my desires to make this New Year 2011 a fresh year of living my life. I will blog my life and the events of my life in order to gain a broader perspective of my choices, my thoughts, and my passions.
I have found that through the 46 years of my life, the mistakes I have made and learned from are the very elements that have made me who I am. The choices, good, bad and indifferent, that I have made have provided me with a compass for the journey I have been on. The people I have interacted with are the very root of the integrity and stability I have acquired; whether it was family, friend or foe, I am much more stable having learned to deal with circumstances good and bad around them.
So today marks a new day for all areas of my life. I choose to take this new day and embrace it with ideas that will encourage a fantastic year. My ideas include: Self-improvement, Spiritual Growth, Educational Enhancement, Exercise, Pescitarian Lifestyle, Travel, Socializing, and definitely a lot more Fun this year. My focus today is geared for planning the journey of my life in 2011.
As time floats by I hope to learn new ways of communicating with my family, my friends, my community and my social and business networks. I look forward to the challenge of losing approximately 70 pounds this year to place me in a more healthy physical position, and to obtain a better advantage over all the fun I plan to have. As I move further into the year I am confident that the road I am on will offer opportunities of fulfilling my goals to be a healthier woman, daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend, student, community member, and collegue. Time goes so fast as we get older so my goal is to restructure my time to find the best routine for learning new processes that will help me to ensure balance and serenity by achieving better choices, new ideas, and my simple passions.
Pamy :)
Today I decided to set up this blog page as a part of my desires to make this New Year 2011 a fresh year of living my life. I will blog my life and the events of my life in order to gain a broader perspective of my choices, my thoughts, and my passions.
I have found that through the 46 years of my life, the mistakes I have made and learned from are the very elements that have made me who I am. The choices, good, bad and indifferent, that I have made have provided me with a compass for the journey I have been on. The people I have interacted with are the very root of the integrity and stability I have acquired; whether it was family, friend or foe, I am much more stable having learned to deal with circumstances good and bad around them.
So today marks a new day for all areas of my life. I choose to take this new day and embrace it with ideas that will encourage a fantastic year. My ideas include: Self-improvement, Spiritual Growth, Educational Enhancement, Exercise, Pescitarian Lifestyle, Travel, Socializing, and definitely a lot more Fun this year. My focus today is geared for planning the journey of my life in 2011.
As time floats by I hope to learn new ways of communicating with my family, my friends, my community and my social and business networks. I look forward to the challenge of losing approximately 70 pounds this year to place me in a more healthy physical position, and to obtain a better advantage over all the fun I plan to have. As I move further into the year I am confident that the road I am on will offer opportunities of fulfilling my goals to be a healthier woman, daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend, student, community member, and collegue. Time goes so fast as we get older so my goal is to restructure my time to find the best routine for learning new processes that will help me to ensure balance and serenity by achieving better choices, new ideas, and my simple passions.
Pamy :)
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